Discord Dance
by Shuvcat
Summary: Xena and Gabrielle meet a band of traveling musicians, who have been cursed by Discord to kill whoever hears them sing.


Discord Dance

By Shuvcat

Xena Season 3, comedy, X/G friendship, orig char., rated PG

Xena and Gabrielle meet up with a band on the run-the Minstrels, whose singing voices have the power to kill.

The inner hall of the castle was filled with rowdy revelers. The subjects of the kingdom of Peoriapolis were all partying, laughing, sneering, joyfully raising their cups in honor of their king. It was a birthday celebration.

"King Josah, the ever youthful!" announced the king's crier Mathus, and the revelers roared. "Today we praise the anniversary of his Highness's birth as we do every year: with song, with dance- and with music! This year, our most generous and gracious King has made a gift of one of his most precious treasures to yet another _lucky_ band of entertainers!" Mathus sneered. "Simply for the honor of performing for him today! All of you, lift your goblets to our Majesty's newest gift—The Minstrels!"

All those present snickered and laughed, knowing exactly what kind of gift it was that their king was receiving-and what awaited the so-called Minstrels. The crowd, tickled by some untold joke, cackled and cheered wildly, clapping and champing for the entertainment to begin.

Behind the curtain leading off the stage, an eye peeked. "How do they look?"

"Rowdy." Maricola, the dark haired beauty who sang lead for the traveling musical band known as The Minstrels, stepped away from the curtain. A frown of concern creased her pale face. "We've really got to tell our agent to stop booking us in these seedy places."

Daphinae, the beautiful blonde Minstrel who played the lyre, shook her head. "Our agent didn't book us, Maricola! The King himself requested us, remember?"

Maricola uttered a grunt of dismay. "Yeah, and you know- _why?_ How'd he hear about us? I mean, the biggest place we've played is that tavern in Amphipolis. You telling me the king of this place actually has agents there?"

"Maybe he's a beer hound." That was Garabedian, the sleepy-eyed, laid-back beater of the skins.

Aphidines, the nervous, skinny bass lyreist, shivered, but he tried to sound encouraging. "Come on, the King can't be crooked. He paid us with this big rock already!" He held up the Minstrels' payment for the gig- a huge, sparkling diamond.

Daphinae gasped. "Aphid, will you put that away?! You keep flashing that around, you're liable to get us mugged!"

Maricola shook her head as she surveyed the brawling crowd, pensively. "I got a bad feeling about this..."

##

Meanwhile, in the wings...

"Is it the same this time?" a large, beefy warrior asked.

"Just the same." Mathus, the king's crier rubbed his hands in gleeful anticipation. "I have already made a great show of giving them the diamond! Wait until after the Minstrels have sung their piece. Then, our Excellency will pretend to be deeply displeased by their performance. Hold until he gives the signal. Then, rush the stage... and kill them all." Mathus pulled a righteous face. "After all... we must recapture the booty of our King!" He uttered an evil laugh, and the warrior laughed along with him.

##

Backstage: "Everybody ready?"

"NO." That was Aphid. "I wish we hadn't lost half our instruments in that lake!"

"I wish we had more beer!" Garab griped.

Daphi whimpered. "I wish this was over with and we were a thousand miles away from here!"

Mari looked pensive. "I wish..."

With a flash of glorious color and light, the goddess Discord appeared on the scene in her black leather skintight duds. Invisible to The Minstrels, she listened to Mari's hastily spoken wish: "I just wish we could knock the King dead."

Discord's red mouth perked at the side. "Wish granted." She raised her leather-clad arms and launched a blast of pure power at the little singing group. Every one of them shuddered, touched by a ghostly hand. And with that, Discord vanished, to watch the fun from the mosh pit.

Mari shook off the remnants of her shudder. "...Okay... magic hour. Minstrels, let's do our worst!"

Aphid rolled his eyes as they pulled back the curtain. "Oh, please don't let her tell us to break a leg!" he moaned.

The Minstrels took the stage to loud hoots, howls, sneers, and catcalls from their rowdy audience. Garab took his place behind the skins. Daphi and Aphid tuned their lyres. Mari picked up her sistrum, and she smiled her trademark leer at the audience. "Hello Peoriapolis! We are... The Minstrels!" she shouted. "We are deeply honored to perform for King Josah!" She bowed in the direction of the King, sitting on his throne, already looking bored. Then she looked to the band: "One! Two! One-two-three-four!"

The band began to play their latest song. Mari and Aphid began to harmonize, as Daphi and Garab jammed along:

"We're just a singing band of Minstrels

Festing, jesting, town to town

Drink it up, laugh it up today

It's a party for the Crown!"

Immediately the crowd, playing their part in the malicious plan, began to boo and jeer the band. Mari and Aphid looked questioningly at each other, but the show must go on, and they kept playing and singing.

On his throne, King Josah made a great show of looking offended. He pulled a repulsive face, held his nose. He was about to give the thumbs-down which would signal his warriors to kill the Minstrels...

Suddenly he stopped short. He looked startled, as if a large hand was gripping his throat. Then he gripped his crowned head in an expression of pain. He attempted to stand, to call to his guards for help—but then he toppled from his throne, onto the ground.

The Minstrels stopped singing. Mathus the crier ran to the King's side, checking him over. "He's dead!" the crier cried. Blood was issuing from both the King's ears. "King Josah has been murdered!"

A shocked, angry murmur ran thru the crowd. Mathus looked around for someone to blame. "Those Minstrels!" he snapped, pointing. "They killed the King! Their voices are bewitched!"

Garab raised his hands in surrender. "Hey man—I'm just the drummer! I don't even know these guys!"

Mathus was not convinced. "SEIZE THEM!"

"RUN AWAY!" panicked Aphid.

And they did. The Minstrels fled the stage, ducking out the back, as the crowd jumped the stage, hungry for their blood.

##

XENA OPENING CREDITS

##

Xena and Gabrielle were walking along in the city of Peoriapolis, enjoying the sights and sounds of the large city. "You know, this is a huge mecca for musicians of all kinds," Gabrielle was chattering as she and Xena strolled along. "Look at them all!" She indicated the many street bands playing, some of them drowning others out, all more or less living in communal harmony. "Musicians from all over Greece flock here!"

Xena looked over the many wild-haired, grubby but peaceful players. "Wasn't it Seattlocea last year?" she asked amiably. "And Athens the year before that? And before that..."

Gabrielle scoffed. "No no- this place was famous before any of those other cities! Ever hear the saying, 'Will it play in Peoriapolis'? Well-"

"Get along!" Xena's attention was suddenly arrested by the group of large, angry, burly soldiers pushing through the docile street players. The soldiers looked very out of place in their heavy armor and weaponry, as they ousted the musicians and loiterers from their places on store steps and benches. "Get out of here! No one wants you filthy, howling slackers around here! Gimme that-" The soldier in charge grabbed at the packs and purses of some of the musicians. "I wouldn't find any jewels in here, would I?" he sneered as he pushed away the protesting hands of the knapsack's owner.

Xena stepped toward the conflict. "What's going on here? Why are you bothering these peaceful people?"

The soldier sneered. "Peaceful money-grubbing leeches, is what you mean! We are under orders from the King's crier, Mathus! He has ordered us to search for a precious jewel stolen from the King! We've been given free reign to search every bag of these dirty, mewling drifters!" Having found nothing, he threw the knapsack roughly back at the musician.

Xena glanced at the "drifters", who barely looked as if they could steal daisies to put in their caps, much less a jewel. "I wonder why the King doesn't give you leave to search these people himself. What authority does his crier have?"

Another sneer. "Every authority, on account of the King is dead! Killed! Murdered by one of these witchcraft-practicing, weed-smelling street vermin!" He reared back his foot, to kick one of the musicians who hadn't got up off the street.

Xena launched her own foot out, stalling the soldier's foot in mid-kick. "Last time I came through Peoriapolis, King Josah sat on the throne. Is that the king who's been murdered?"

"The same!"

"And how exactly was he killed?"

"Witchcraft!" The soldier sneered. "Some kind of evil spell crafted by Hades himself!"

"Worms!" hissed his partner, a toothless old dog. "Devil worms hidden inside the music! They crawled into his ear, and they ate into his brain!"

"And then the diabolical fiends stole the King's most precious jewel!" elaborated the soldier. "Once we regain that jewel, Mathus will be king! And the wicked musicians will have no power over him! In fact—Mathus will outlaw ALL music! Do away with any other attacks perpetrated by you filthy-" He raised his boot to kick at the street dwellers once again.

And once again Xena's boot stopped him. "Don't bother with these drifters," she told the soldier. "My name's Xena. I offer my services to Mathus."

The soldier for the first time looked unduly impressed. "Well! Xena, the Warrior Princess! Tales of your fight for justice have spread even to our humble town! Mathus will be right pleased to know he can count you as an ally!"

"I just bet he will." Xena cast a glance at Gabrielle. "Just leave these people be. I'll find the King's jewel—and whoever stole it."

##

Mari was fuming as The Minstrels stalked along the forest path. "Didn't I tell you?" she grumbled. "Didn't I say we need to stop playing these palaces? I can't stand royalty! The minute something happens—the minute a sheep's gone, a tapestry's missing, a jewel's stolen—who do they blame? The traveling musicians! Never seen it fail!"

"I wanna know what happened!" Aphid was even more jittery than usual. "I mean, how'd we DO that?"

Even Garab was slightly less than his usual laconic self. "That was trippy, man! One minute he's okay and then next..."

"Kerplunk!" agreed Aphid.

"Kerplooey!" nodded Garab.

Daphi was trying to keep calm. "It was a freak accident. It didn't have anything to do with us!"

"Yeah right! Tell that to the mob!"

"There's no way they can blame what happened on us! I bet they've forgotten all about it!"

Mari sneered. "Oh right, the death of their high and mighty King, yeah, I'm sure they're over it by now!"

Aphid snickered humorlessly. "He probably died of Mari's singing!" he joked to Daphi.

Mari was appalled. "I don't see you mentioning the lyre chords YOU were missing!"

Aphid was offended. "Tone deaf!

Mari stepped up. "Off-key!"

"Harpy!"

"Squeege!"

Aphid was hurt. "Owww!..."

Mari looked remorseful. "...sorry..."

"That hurt!" Aphid whined.

Mari sneered. "Suck it up!"

Aphid was newly inflamed. "Gorgon!"

"Wuss-eidon!"

"Fart-ephone!"

"Dumb BLOND!"

"HEY!"

That was Daphi. "Shut UP! Guys, stop fighting, please?!"

Garab shrugged in the sudden silence. "I'm gonna go see if anyone's following us," he volunteered.

Daphi nodded. "That's a good idea. Meanwhile the rest of us will just stay here and calm down!" She glared at the two as Garab wandered into the trees. "C'mon... let's sing something, okay? Come on."

Mari and Aphid, realizing that Daphi was right, resignedly sat down and tried to calm their nerves.

Daphi picked up her lyre and strummed slowly, humming in tune. One by one the others joined in the song:

"I heard a little bird tell me

That I was wooed by you,

I let the romance enfold me

My darling, tell me it's true..."

Above, the birds flying overhead began to swerve and soar off kilter. They uttered noises, cawing and squawking. One bird dropped out of the sky—and fell directly into Aphid's lap.

The song abruptly ended with Aphid screaming like a girl. He jumped away, hurling the dead bird out of his lap. "What the-!"

Daphi stared with wide eyes at the bird. "It's dead!"

Mari looked perplexed. "What the Hades is going on around here?!"

##

"Do you really think King Josah was killed by music?"

Xena and Gabrielle had reached the forest. Xena shrugged. "What I do know is that Josah had a long reputation for cheating the entertainers he hired for his parties. Many's the time he'd promise a large payment to bands of musicians just like those in the street. More often than not, he'd kill them for 'offending' his senses."

Gabrielle sniffed. "Sounds like a music hater." She looked up at Xena. "What will you do if we really do find them? The musicians, I mean?"

As Xena and Gabrielle passed under a tree, they did not notice Garab up in the branches, listening wide-eyed to every word. "Well, we won't kill them—not unless they try to kill us first, that is," Xena said dryly.

Garab cringed. He waited until the women were well past, and then he proceeded to fall as quietly as he could out of the tree, to run and warn the other Minstrels. "First we'll find out if they have the jewel," continued Xena, "and if so, how they got it. Something tells me it wasn't 'stolen' so much as 'paid'. Either way, these musicians are going to have some explaining to do."

##

"Wait a minute..." Aphid was beginning to put two and two together. "Mari, didn't you say... right before we went out on stage, didn't you say you wished we could knock people dead?"

Mari looked aplombed. "….I didn't mean literally!" she snapped. But she looked more than a little worried. "Did I say that?..."

"You said..." Daphi's face scrunched, trying to remember. "You said... 'I wish we could knock the King dead'."

Mari's eyes bugged. "The King! I said the _King,_ not everything in earshot!"

But they all knew the gods could be cruel and had their own ideas of fun. "Okay..." Mari muttered after a long silence. "There's only one way to find out for sure." She looked to the blonde Minstrel. "Daphi, sing something."

Daphi was horrified. "I'm not gonna sing! What if I kill one of you?!"

Mari sighed. "Okay fine—_I'll_ sing!"

Aphid inched away, already looking nervous. "Who are you gonna sing to?"

Mari looked around. "That plant. Right over there… Everyone plug your ears."

Aphid and Daphi gladly did so, plugging their fingers in their ears. Mari stared fixedly at the plant... and hesitantly uttered a note. The plant shriveled and died on the spot.

Mari clapped her hands over her mouth. "She killed it! It's dead!" whined Aphid in horror.

Daphi looked grim. "It's not just her! We're all cursed! Every time we sing, whoever listens to us dies!"

Aphid didn't look as though he believed. "Well…. well, why don't we die when we're just talking to each other, then?"

Mari's eyes flitted from side to side, thinking. "Maybe it's only when we're making a harmony. It doesn't work if we just talk, but if we try to sing a song…"

They were interrupted by the thump of Garab's feet jogging through the forest, coming back from his recon. "OK guys…get set for some more bad news." He crashed down next to the three. "The King's men have sent Xena after us!" he gasped.

Mari was disbelieving. "Xena?!"

Aphid's eyes were bugging. "The Warrior Princess? You mean… THE Warrior Princess?!"

Daphi looked remorseful. "All that for us!"

Aphid was in awe. "I heard she throttled the neck of Ares the god of war with her bare hands!"

"I heard she killed an entire army of Romans single handed!" Garab agreed.

Mari was silent as she listened to all this terrifying stuff. "Well… so what?" she finally spoke.

Aphid looked at her, incredulous. "Mari, what are you saying? She's Xena! THE Warrior Princess?"

Mari smiled. "We can take her!"

"How do you figure?

"We have the perfect weapons!" Mari waited for them to get it. "Our voices? I mean come on..." she waved at all of them. "With our combined powers we could… _smear_ her!" She grinned.

There was dead silence. No one looked similarly impressed. "Mari- we can't do that!" Daphi scolded. "I mean- I don't know about you, but I became a Minstrel because I wanted to make people happy… not kill them!"

The looks on Aphid's and Garab's faces were in total agreement. They were peace-loving musicians—not warriors.

Mari sighed. She knew Daphi was right. "OK…" Her eyes darted, trying to think what to do. "Aphid, do we still have those masks from the Mummer's Eve show?"

Aphid nodded. "Yeah… why?"

Mari smiled darkly.

##

Suddenly, as Xena and Gabrielle journeyed through the forest, they were confronted by a sparking explosion. A scary-looking 10 foot tall specter in a long flowing robe, with a scowling fanged face and glittering eyes, appeared before them. _"Who dares enter my forest?!"_ the monster boomed. Its voice was mottled, as if it were speaking from the bottom of a long, hollow cone.

Xena stepped up. "I'm Xena! This is my companion Gabrielle! We don't want any trouble; we only want to pass through!"

The monster waved its long, spindly arms, tipped with shiny, flashing claws like steel. "Who are you chasing?" its fanged face demanded.

"We're not chasing anyone!" insisted Gabrielle. "We just want to get through the woods!"

"You lie!" The monster flapped its arms as if to take off. "Your ruse has no effect against the great Forest Spirit! Turn back now, or you shall PERISH!" There was a thundering sound which sounded much like the trembling of a copper sheet. And underneath that, a barely audible whisper: "Ooo, good one!"

Xena already had a hunch that the "ghost" they were seeing was not of the other world. If she had any doubts, they were put away by the whispering and shifting going on under the "monster's" robes, and by the sight she caught of the ghost's dirty sandals beneath its robe. But she also knew that trifling with crazy woodland hermits was not worth the trouble. "Well, Gabrielle," Xena spoke loudly, "I can see that this fearsome demon is just too much for us. We'll just have to turn around and find another way out of the woods." And the two women turned, and made as though they were going back the way they'd come.

There was whispering beneath the monster's robes. "They're going away!"

"Isn't that what we want?"

"Yeah… but…" Mari peeked out of her mask down at Aphid. "-isn't Xena supposed to defend the good? Maybe if we tell them what happened, they can help us!"

"How do you figure?"

Mari pulled a face. "They're warriors with weapons! We're minstrels with lyres! Do the abacus!"

As Xena and Gabrielle walked away, Gabrielle opined, "It wasn't a _bad_ costume."

Xena shrugged, nodding. "Not bad. But you can see the strings."

Behind them, the whisperers were still arguing beneath the phantom's cloaks. "Okay, shut up! Shhh!" The ghost rose to its full height with a rattle of metallic thunder. "XENA! Stay where you are! Turn and face me, Warrior Princess!"

Xena, rolling her eyes, turned around. "Yes, terrifying one?"

The monster waved its fearsome branch-like arms. "Do you TRULY wish to cross my forest?"

"With the least amount of aggravation, yes!"

"Then if you wish to pass through these woods-you must prove your worth to me! You must pass… a trial!" Thunder shimmyed.

"What kind of trial?"

The monster pointed its skeletal arm. "In the valley next, there travels an army of evil…wicked… bad marauders! If you wish to gain safe passage through my land... you must DESTROY them!"

Xena sneered. "What kind of all-powerful spirit needs to enlist a flesh and blood warrior to rid itself of a mortal army?"

The "ghost" hung there for a moment in utter silence. "Say something!" "What do I say? She's got me there!" "I don't know—be creative!"

Another boom of thunder. "How _dare_ you question the will of the almighty Zorath! King of the Forest!" the monster shrieked. "If you do not succeed in this test, Xena, you shall DIE!"

Xena threw up her arms. "It seems to me that I can save us all a lot of grief simply by turning around and leaving your forest the way I came!" And she and Gabrielle proceeded to do just that.

Frantic whispers. "She's not buying it!" "This isn't working!" "I know it!" "WAIT!"

Xena turned one last time, and this time she saw the lead singer of The Minstrels tearing the ugly mask from her face as she jumped off Aphid's shoulders. Now there were four of them running toward her, as solid and as human as she herself was.

Xena smiled to Gabrielle. "Look, these phantoms are flesh and blood after all."

Daphi was apologetic. "Sorry… I'm sorry; we didn't mean to scare you!"

Gabrielle smiled. "Could have fooled us."

Mari took the offensive. "Don't get sore! We_ had_ to pretend we were ghosts... to protect ourselves!"

"We got trouble." Aphid gulped. "There's a whole army wants to kill us!"

"Generally armies only go after those who _deserve_ to be killed." Xena's eyes glinted.

"Not us!" "No way!" The Minstrels all looked horrified.

"We're just a band of simple musicians!" insisted Daphi. "I swear!"

"Maybe you've heard of us. We're The Minstrels!" Mari grinned. They all appeared to be waiting for recognition.

Xena did not relinquish any such recognition. Gabrielle pretended to catch on. "Oh… do you mean… you're THOSE Minstrels?"

Mari's red grin widened. "Yes! The very same! I'm Maricola-that's Daphinae, that's Garabedian-" She paused, gazing at Aphid still trying to get the shiny claws off his fingers. "...Oh, and that's Aphid," she muttered as if embarrassed.

Gabrielle couldn't help a giggle. "'Aphid'?" The only aphids she knew were the garden slugs.

Aphid was clearly maligned by this continual mangling of his name. "It's pronounced A-PHID-i-nes!" he snapped, glaring at Mari.

Mari didn't notice. "Did the King send you?" she asked Xena point-blank.

"King who?" asked Xena, though she already knew. She wanted Mari to tell them.

"Listen- it was an accident!" Daphi insisted. "We didn't know we'd kill him. We're the victims here!"

"Which king are you talking about?" asked Gabrielle. "Who is it you think you've killed?"

All the Minstrels looked guiltily at each other.

##

"We're musicians," Daphi explained. "We all kind of joined up on the road… most of us are from the north. We go from town to town performing for anyone that will pay us. Well, last week in Amphipolis, this guy comes up to us. He says the King of Peoriapolis has heard of us, and he's a really big fan. He says that if we perform at the King's birthday celebration, he'll reward us."

"And he did- they gave us this before we even started!" Aphid pulled out the diamond. Mari pushed it back, appalled at his constant willingness to show his jewels to any stranger.

Xena took it, recognizing it immediately. "King Josah."

"Yeah, that's him!... how'd you know?"

Xena gave Gabrielle a look, handing back the jewel. "I'm afraid you Minstrels are the latest in a long line of entertainers who have been tricked by the king."

Mari didn't like this. "Tricked? How do you mean?"

"I mean that King Josah is a noted prankster. He likes to trick bands of performers-like yourselves- into playing for him. He pays his entertainers with a priceless gem, or a cartload of gold. But only before they perform. Afterward, he pretends to be so displeased with the performance that he has all the performers killed."

All the Minstrels were horrified now. "Killed?!"

"I TOLD you he didn't look happy!" Aphid chattered to Mari.

"Don't feel bad," Gabrielle tried to reassure them. "You're not the first ones he's done this to."

Mari uttered a gallows snicker. "Yeah, but we're definitely the _last…"_

Daphi looked guilty. "We killed him!"

"How?" insisted Xena.

"That's the thing, we don't know!" Aphid shrugged. "All we did was get up on stage, and we were singing, and all of a sudden he just…"

"Kerplunk!" Daphi supplied.

"Kerplooey." Mari nodded grimly.

Xena rolled her eyes. "Why do I have the feeling that this is the work of the gods?"

All Minstrels suddenly looked hopeful. "Really?" asked Daphi. "Do you really think… there's a chance... could you help us?"

"We _have_ to sing." Aphid explained. "I mean, if we can't sing…" All the Minstrels looked despondent, noting their complete dependence on their art.

Xena nodded, making her decision. "I promise I'm gonna do everything in my power to try."

##

"You really think we can help them?" asked Gabrielle.

Xena shrugged. "There are legends of tricks the gods pull on unwitting performers. Curses cast on the titles of certain plays and the like."

"Which god do you think cursed them?"

"It doesn't matter. The first thing we have to do is get them out of harm's way. That means either fighting King Josah's army ourselves, or... training them to defend themselves."

They looked at the little group of musicians, huddling, whispering among themselves. "That'd be a LOT of training," Gabrielle noted with irony. "A year at least."

"If we were lucky." Xena frowned as the four members of the band inched toward her, as if daring each other to step up.

Mari seemed to be pushed to the fore, and she grinned hugely at the warrior princess. "Hi," she greeted awkwardly. "Um, we've been talking."

"Really." Xena waited. "What about?"

Aphid and the others were all trying nervously to look brave. "...OK look… we really appreciate what you're doing for us… we realize that it's goin' out of your way to put us up and, well…"

"We wanna pull our weight." Daphi jumped in. "We don't want to mooch off you!"

"And so, we were thinking…. maybe…" Mari looked guiltily at them. "you could teach us how to fight!" she got out in a rush.

Xena rolled her eyes, even though she herself had been voicing the same thing to Gabrielle. "What?!"

"Please understand…" Daphi rushed to explain. "We don't want to KILL anybody. We don't want to become murderers!…" Then she took note the look of dismay on Gabrielle's face. "...oh… well, what I mean is, if you could just give us some pointers on defending ourselves! Then… we wouldn't be so much of a burden on you!"

Xena sighed, resigning to fate. "Okay… have any of you ever picked up a sword before?"

The Minstrels all nodded. "…. No," admitted Mari. The Minstrels all shook their heads.

Gabrielle had a sinking feeling. "Do you have any weapons?" she tried. All shook their heads.

Aphid's face lit up. "Oh, wait!" He pulled out the fake wooden sword that they had been trying to scare them with in the forest. All the Minstrels lit up, nodding.

Xena and Gabrielle sighed.

##

The sword struck once, twice. Splinters went flying. "Oof—okay—whoa!" Garab stumbled back from Xena's gentle assault on the wood sword he'd been wielding. "Whoa... dude," muttered Garab, staring at the deep chunks cut out of the flimsy theater sword.

Xena's mouth twitched at the corner. "Of course if you had a steel sword, you'd manage better. But you still need to learn how to handle your piece."

A slow grin spread across Garab's face. "Hey, I can handle my piece just fine," he promised.

Xena rolled her eyes. "Maybe you'd do better with the cross sticks." She handed him the twin rods. "Think of them as... skin sticks. Use the energy you have when you play the skins. Put all your strength into beating them. All right? Now-" Xena struck an experimental swipe at Garab. He swiped back—and the rod snapped in half under Xena's blade.

Meanwhile Gabrielle was trying to train Mari in the use of the staff. "Okay… no, hold it higher…" She swiped at Mari, who badly miscalculated where the blow was coming from. Gabrielle sighed. "Look, most warriors attack from the top. If the attacker comes at you with an uppercut…" She did just that, knocking the staff from Mari's hands.

Mari was deeply frustrated. "This is a lot harder than it looks!" she grumbled.

Aphid stepped up. "Step aside, m'lady!" he proclaimed. "Let a MAN defend you!"

Mari rolled her eyes. "You know any?" But she stepped aside.

Aphid raised his arms, trying to intimidate Gabrielle with a flashy karate move. "WhoooooAAAGHH!" he screamed. He chopped, sliced the air, chopped some more. "HA! HA! HA-HA-HA-hiiiiiiEEE-YAAA!-oof!"

He was instantly silenced by Gabrielle's swift uppercut to his chest. He crashed on the ground, flat on his ass, the wind knocked out of him. Gabrielle was immediately regretful. "Is he okay?" she gasped.

But none of the other Minstrels seemed half as worried. "Just… leave him there," Mari nodded. "He'll get his second wind."

And Aphid on the ground seemed to agree, wheezily: "I'm just... gonna lay here... a while….. uhh…"

Suddenly-all were distracted by the sound of feet and metal clanking over the hills. The King's warriors were coming!

The Minstrels immediately froze up. Gabrielle shoved the rod into Mari's hands. "Just hold it in front of you!" she instructed. And she encouraged the other Minstrels to take up shields. "No matter what, don't get hit!"

The warriors attacked, rushing straight at the tiny group on foot. Xena was in the front and she took out as many of the warriors as she could. Gabrielle blocked as many as she could, trying to keep the Minstrels safe. But of course more than a few broke through this meager first defense. Mari actually klonked one on the head with the staff, but the next blow snapped it in half. Daphi swiped helplessly with the sword, but she killed more air than anything. Garab's shield was knocked out of his hands almost instantly, he climbed into a tree. Aphid ran to hide behind the same tree- and he screamed a high-pitched scream.

The warrior chasing him jerked, stiffened—and toppled over on the grass, dead.

Garab dropped out of the tree, as the other Minstrels clustered together. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Aphid cried.

Mari nodded. "I think so, brain." She looked over the battlefield. "Xena! Gabrielle!" she screamed. "Cover your ears!"

Xena and Gabrielle caught on, and immediately did so. The Minstrels joined hands. "One! Two!" shouted Mari. "One-two-three_-four!"_

They began singing-a loud, belted, single-note harmony. The warriors immediately started convulsing, shaking, dropping to their knees. They clutched their heads as their ears began to bleed. One by one they hit the ground, crumpled and died in a perfect circle for half a mile around.

Mari opened her eyes. "Stop-stop!" she suddenly called off the song. And The Minstrels stopped singing.

Xena and Gabrielle uncovered their ears, and looked around. The carnage was widespread. Bodies were strewn everywhere. The warriors who had only a moment ago been vigorously ready to kill them all were now dead, bleeding from the ears. And in the midst of it all were the Minstrels, clustered together, looking horrified at what their voices had done.

##

Mathus looked extremely annoyed. "What?"

The general of the King's army looked embarrassed. "I said, they rebuffed us." He shifted on his booted feet. "The warrior woman, Xena-she's switched sides. She and her companion have been recruited to the side of the filthy drifters."

Mathus cursed. "I should have known better than to trust that treacherous wench," he muttered. He glared at his general. "Still... an army of warriors. The champions of Peoriapolis. The best fighters in the country couldn't take down a warrior wench and a meager pack of wailing wimps?"

The general cringed under shame, and resentment. "Their witchcraft is strong, my leige! A sword, a shield-these are nothing against the sorcery these evil ones enlist! My men-"

"Your men were undone by a pack of charlatans! A magic spell is only powerful as long as the throat speaking it remains uncut!" He jerked the sword out of the general's scabbard. "Don't tell me I have to lead your men for you, general, because I for one am not cowed by superstitious fairy tales! Your men won't go into battle? Kill them! Replace them with stouter hearts! Do your job, general, or I will do it for you!"

The general's face burned red with shame. But he hadn't forgotten how his king had died. "Begging your pardon... my liege... you haven't seen combat with these weird folk."

Mathus glared only an instant more at his general. With a short, savage movement, he rent the blade across the general's throat. Gushing, choking on his own blood, the general of the army of Peoriapolis sank to his knees, succumbing.

Mathus studied the newly reddened blade he had just killed his unworthy general with. "Let's fix that," he muttered, taking control.

##

Xena ran over the hills, picking her way between the dead warriors' bodies, toward Gabrielle, waiting for her report. "It really does look like every living thing has been killed. As far as half a mile out." She glanced at the top of the hill, where The Minstrels were sitting glumly on a fallen log. Aphid was poking listlessly at the ground with a stick. None of them looked very happy at all.

"They did it." Gabrielle looked sad. "Their voices really do kill."

"They're part of a war they never wanted, whether they like it or not." Xena sighed. "Go up there and see how they are. I'm going to do some more scouting."

So Gabrielle went up the hill. She looked around at all the glum faces. "Are you all right?" she asked gently.

Aphid shrugged, poking the dirt with his stick. "This is so NOT the way our first tour was supposed to go," he muttered.

Gabrielle sat down on the log. "Xena says it looks like there aren't any more of the King's men following us," she said, trying to sound encouraging.

Mari shrugged sullenly. "Hooray for our side." She shoved herself up from the log, getting up and walking away. She looked over the hill, arms folded. Being a killer act was clearly not all she thought it would be.

Aphid slid over to Gabrielle. "Mari and I grew up in Athens," he supplied. "At our school all the kids wanted to do was fight- not us. We were outcasts... we found each other. She's my best friend. We always said we were never gonna end up like all the rest of the kids... joining the army... fighting... killing."

Daphi nodded. "We all joined together on the road. We started singing 'cause we wanted to spread joy... not pain!"

Gabrielle nodded in understanding. "I know how you feel. No, really—when I first joined up with Xena, I swore I'd never take a life. I never wanted to. Since then..." she looked briefly glum herself, remembering all that had happened since she'd left home to join Xena. "...look, let's just say that sometimes... you have to defend yourself."

Aphid did not look comforted. "I know they were gonna hurt us. I know that, but…. I mean, what if this thing never goes away? What if we can't ever sing again?"

Daphi looked fearful. "We'll have to watch ourselves. Anytime we even hum, or talk in rhyme…."

"We'll never be able to perform again!" That was Mari, who'd been listening in.

Garab was the one to voice all their thoughts. "We might actually have to get… JOBS!" And all The Minstrels shuddered visibly.

Aphid pulled the jewel out of his knapsack. "What if we gave them the jewel back? You think that'd make them stop chasing us?"

"Probably not," Gabrielle shook her head. "This is about their king. It's a vengeance mission. The jewel is just frosting for them."

"Gabrielle!" They all turned their heads at the frantic shout. Xena was darting over the hill, her sword in hand. "Second wave! Run! Just-_run!"_

Right behind her were the first of many, many more of the king's warriors- and these were on horseback, led by Mathus. "There they are! Get them! Kill them!" There were too many to fight this time-even for the mighty Warrior Princess. The only option was to flee.

The Minstrels stumbled to their feet, trying to get ahead of the marauders. "Head for the forest!" directed Gabrielle. "It'll be harder for the horses to follow!"

But that didn't stop the warriors. They jumped off their horses and dove into the brush. The Minstrels and the warrior women clambered over stumps, tore through undergrowth, zipped between the trees. Garab, the longest-legged, broke into the lead, followed by Gabrielle, Daphi, Mari- and in the back, as usual, Aphid.

Xena dropped back, grabbed Aphid's arm, trying to tug him along. She fairly _threw_ the weaker Minstrel into the path ahead—and she stopped to turn around and plunge her sword into the nearest pursuer.

Aphid hit the ground hard. He got up and ran a few paces—but realized with horror that something was missing. The jewel, that had been in his hand. The jewel King Josah had paid the Minstrels with! Frantic, Aphid dropped to the ground, looking around for the jewel.

Ahead, The Minstrels stopped. "Aphid, c'mon! It's not worth it!" commanded Mari.

Aphid shook his head stubbornly. "It's worth a year's work! Who knows when we'll sing again?!"

"Aphid, get back here!" Daphi cried, frantic.

Aphid ignored them. Suddenly his face lit up, and he dropped down to grab something glinting in the light. He rose to his feet, a triumphant grin on his face. "I got it!" he called, showing it to the Minstrels.

The head of an arrow burst through the center of his chest.

Daphi screamed in horror. "Aphid!" cried Mari.

The three Minstrels ran back to their friend. Aphid was sinking to the dirt, the jewel still gripped in his hand. He held it up to Daphi as she ran to his side. "I got it," he repeated, the smile on his face growing sickly.

She didn't even acknowledge the stone, looking to where the arrow was sticking out of his chest. "It went all the way through him!" she gasped.

Mari wrung her hands, not knowing where to start. "…Get it out… break it in half, get it out of him…"

Garab did that. But it was too late. Daphi was cradling Aphid's head, weeping. He was too far gone to be helped.

Aphid was gulping for air. "It's okay… really. It doesn't hurt..." A crease of pain clenched his face. "...ohh...never mind, yes it does..." And then he didn't move anymore.

Daphi broke down weeping. Mari was silent, but clearly sickened and hurt at the loss of her childhood friend. Around them, Xena and Gabrielle continued fighting the raging battle, but all the Minstrels could think of was their murdered companion.

"We should sing for him." That was Garab.

Mari nodded dimly. "Not like we can hurt him now."

And so the three remaining Minstrels joined hands and did exactly that, ignorant of the carnage around them, focused only on the dirge for their friend. Daphi opened her lips and sang a sweet, mournful dirge, while Mari and Garab harmonized:

"Angel of light,

Be by my love's side

Don't you leave

Him or I.

And thru dark dreams

Give him strength

Hear me baby I tell you now

Everything will be all right.

Never worry,

I will see you on the other side."

Nearby, invisible to everyone, Discord flashed onto the scene. Her pale face wrinkled in distaste-she was a punk fan, not really in love with ballads. "Ugh! That's so cute it's gross!" she sneered. "Fine-if that's how you're going to sing from now on, you can forget everything I gave you!" And she waved her hands, lifting the evil spell she had cast over the band. With a jagged clash of sound and light, she vanished, disgusted by how the band had sold out.

Daphi finished the dirge. On the ground, Aphid smiled. "Boy... that's pretty," he sighed.

Mari and Daphi and Garab looked down at Aphid in shock, as he sat up. "Hey. What happened?" He looked around. "Where's the jewel at?"

Daphi burst out laughing, hugging Aphid tight. All The Minstrels crushed Aphid with a huge group hug.

"We don't kill anymore!" laughed Mari. "We're back to normal!" To test it out, she shrieked a note at an oncoming warrior.

He sneered at her, undaunted, his ax raising to kill them. The Minstrels' joy turned to horror as they realized very quickly that they were defenseless.

But then-the warrior toppled over, dead. At first the Minstrels looked at each other in confusion. Did their voices still kill?

But behind the fallen warrior, Xena pulled out her bloody sword. "Get out of here! Run!" she shouted again at the idle group. The warriors had just about broken down the meager defense she and Gabrielle had been providing.

Mari had an idea. "Hey! Join hands! We're gonna sing!" she directed the other Minstrels.

Aphid didn't get it. "But Mari-we can't kill them anymore!"

Mari shushed him loudly. _"They_ don't know that!" she hinted, jerking her head in the direction of the warriors.

Aphid, catching on, smiled as he let them pull him to his feet. The Minstrels all joined hands, glaring at the warriors. "One! Two! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!" roared Mari. And the four musicians belted out the loudest, shrillest note they could.

Their ruse had the desired effect. The soldiers all panicked. They remembered what had happened to their king. They clapped hands to ears, even before they realized they weren't dying. Mathus didn't care. "A jewel's not worth an army!" he groaned. "RETREAT!" he called to all his men. And the warriors all dropped what they were doing, and ran away, over the hills.

##

Xena and Gabrielle escorted the Minstrels as far as the city-state's border. "You should be safe now," said Xena. "But... I wouldn't play Peoriapolis again anytime soon." She cracked an ironic smirk.

All the Minstrels shook their heads vigorously in agreement. "Nooo way!" chuckled Aphidines.

"Guys, I've taken all I can," agreed Garabedian. "We're goin' back to Athens!"

"We can't thank you enough," Daphinae gushed. "You saved our lives!" She and Gabrielle hugged.

Maricola smiled, shaking hands with Xena. "We owe you, big time. If there's anything we can ever do for you-" She gasped, suddenly having an idea. "Hey! Would you like us to write a song for you?!"

Xena and Gabrielle looked knowingly at each other. "No, thanks!" they declined quickly.

The End.

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